Your far-fetched dream of financial freedom, unfaltering ideological loyalty, and a small army of disciples is closer than you think! So, you want to start a cult, and I guarantee, you’re already halfway there.

When we think of cult leadership, we imagine ‘divine insights’, or supernatural revelations. Of course, that is the premise of any cult, but the key to your success lies in language. Using this guide, mastering these linguistic strategies is easier than ever! Transform even the most sound-minded of souls into gormlessly devoted followers, and switch everyday conversation into a regimented belief system, using just your words.

So, grab your tinfoil hat, get practising your charismatic smile, and follow these simple steps to truly make your words gospel.

Step 1: Invent your own vocabulary

Why stick with the language of the heathens when you can upgrade to premium terminology?

All successful cults begin by integrating specialised vocabulary that outsiders simply do not understand. Swap out “criticism” for “negative energy” and imply that those who leave the group have “disconnected from the truth”. These subtle, yet cognitively impactful changes create an in-group language. By growing your cult lexicon in such a specialised way, your members will begin to interpret the world completely differently and however you want.

Scientology champions this technique, with two whole dictionaries with over 3,000 terms unique to the group. Learning this extensive internal jargon fully is a requirement to participate properly in their dedicated community.

If outsiders can understand you, you’re doing it wrong.

TOP TIP: world domination doesn’t just require niche terminology. Try out euphemism rebranding as well! Instead of “punishment”, use “correction”, and rather than “surveillance”, call it “accountability”.

Nobody wants to donate their life savings to some charismatic stranger, but you’d be surprised how many will wholeheartedly contribute to your transformational enlightenment fund.

Step 2: Us vs. Them

Pronoun systems are integral to any language, so you’ve got to make your pronoun system extra special! Embody the ceaseless love and care you have for your followers into the linguistic tools that create that lifelong, contract-binding family you have always wished for.

This age-old trick is simple:

“We are enlightened insiders.”

“They are confused outsiders, blinded to the truth.”

This nifty technique is known by linguists as “in-group / out-group discourse”, based on Social Identity Theory, developed by Henri Tajfel and John Turner (1979). By linguistically segregating your followers from the outside world, they will positively identify with your group and values. These processes lead to stereotyping and prejudice, which is an absolute must if you want their unyielding allegiance.

CULTLEADER COUNSEL: increase community spirit by bringing everyone together with regular confession! Strengthen their security and dependence within the cult with this fun ritual (and monitoring system). The more everyone speaks the ideology, the deeper the partition between society and your beloved acolytes.

Step 3: Elevate the leader (that’s you!)

The key to constructing your divine authority lies in your language. You can begin by giving yourself a humble title. Check out the following list for some ideas!

• The Visionary
• The Guide
• The Grand Vizir
• The Supreme Enlightenment Facilitator
• The Prophet of Prophets

Your charisma and intelligence are unrivalled, and so, your disciples should address you like the spiritual mouthpiece that you know you are. You are no longer a public speaker; you are a dispensary of wisdom. Although deep down you are simply a mortal, you can transform yourself into a symbol of divinity just through your language strategy. You may have flaws, but your followers think you’re flawless.

Marshall Applewhite, the leader of Heaven’s Gate, positioned himself with the title “The Next Level”. Idi Amin’s title, the third president (and dictator) of Uganda, is reflective of the humility that all authoritarians should possess: “The Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular”. Rolls nicely off the tongue, if you ask me.

TOP TIP: as The Hierophant, repetition is your best friend. Use your position of authority to distribute your mantras, chants, and slogans. Psychologically and linguistically, the more you repeat your ideas, the easier it is for others to process them. So simply repeat them until it feels like the indubitable truth.

---

A cult leader’s most important tool is their language. Knowing how to utilise it properly is what makes your leadership just that little bit more special! Specialised vocabulary, euphemisms, and repetition all contribute to moulding your apostles’ perception of the world.

Linguists know that language is not just a reflection of reality; it constructs it. So, once your members adopt these celestial linguistic frameworks, it will be just that much harder for them to leave. Abandoning your doctrine would mean they are abandoning the language that gives their world sense. So, you’re essentially guaranteed a family that will never walk out on you! Win!

Before you organise your first enlightenment consultation, this guide is, of course, satire.

But the linguistic strategies you see here are very real and are experienced by many, every day. Language shapes belief, belonging, and power. Often in ways that we barely even notice. So next time you are invited to a “transformational seminar”, with promises of a supportive community and financial freedom, be wary. You may already be halfway to joining a cult.