– by Sameer Merali

After a recent email sent to all undergrads about only sending important, respectful emails to staff, here we can exclusively reveal some that are probably best left unsent…

To a lecturer,

I noticed a couple of spelling mistakes on your PowerPoint today but was too shy to say anything. I found the irony amusing as this being an ENGLISH LANGUAGE course!

 Hopefully you’ll be able to spot it in time for next year!

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To my Personal Tutor,

I’m starting to apply for jobs and I’m becoming increasingly aware that I’ll need a reference from you. Seeing as we haven’t really met this’ll be quite awks. Fancy going for a movie then I can tell you my life story afterwards.

 Cheers yo

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 Hi Claire,

I’m very sorry to have to ask you this but unfortunately as I was about to submit my assignment, I noticed a squirrel outside the window. It was a spectacular sight and I immediately went looking for my DSLR. I managed to get some exceptional pictures (which I have attached below). For that reason my assignment was uploaded 30 minutes late. I hope I will not be capped for what was essentially an unavoidable occurrence.

Best Wishes

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 To the French Lecturer with Curly Hair,

The magical flask you always seem to be sipping from has been at the centre of much student debate. Many claim it’s hot tea, whilst others think it’s soup. Please enlighten on the unknown contents!

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To the pedant in charge of assignment formats,

I have no idea how to add a 2.5-3 inch margin on each side and have never needed to do so growing up. There is no chance I’ll admit this shameful technological weakness so if we can have compulsory formatting workshops that’d be great!

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 To a lecturer,

I find it very peculiar that you have an office that you only spend one hour in. I used to work at a marketing company over the summer each day for about 9 hours and I didn’t even get my own desk. How is this fair? L

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 To Gabriella,

We were told in a dissertation session that if we desperately don’t want a certain dissertation supervisor we could write ‘not’ followed by their name. What if I’ve got a list of 8 that I don’t want?

 Kind Regards

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To Whom It May Concern,

I saw promos for something called Cakes for Chat. Whilst I do like cakes, I don’t like chatting so I shan’t be attending.

Regards,

Alan Carr (C4 Chatty Man)